When we talk to women around the world, many of them share childhood stories of a well-meaning parent or teacher who encouraged them to be ‘good girl’ – not too loud, too messy, too demanding, too much - if they wanted to be happy and loved.
Taking this advice to heart, many of us have grown up abandoning, exhausting, and twisting ourselves into emotional, physical, social, spiritual, and financial knots as we try to:
Perform perfectly: Fearing criticism, we strive to politely and effortlessly achieve physical, emotional, and social perfection.
Please everyone: Fearing rejection, we conform to society’s expectations and sacrifice our wellbeing to care for others.
Protect others: Fearing abandonment, we silence our true feelings and try to save others from life’s challenges and heartaches.
In the short term, these behaviors often win us the appreciation, recognition, and love of others. But in the long-term many women reported this childhood grooming led to exhaustion, loss of self-identity, and resentment. In extreme cases, it contributed to burnout, eating disorders, sexual abuse, domestic violence, poverty, addiction, self-harm, and suicide.
We think of it as ‘junk food love’. It can taste great and leave us buzzing, but the good feelings quickly wear off. And, if it becomes our main source of sustenance, we eventually experience all sorts of health problems.
But it doesn’t have to be this way.
Our research is finding we can shift our ‘good girl’ beliefs when they don’t serve us well to embody our unique selves when we have the knowledge, tools, and support to:
Show self-compassion: Accepting our imperfections, we confidently learn and grow without any shame.
Securely attach: Accepting our need for safety, we unapologetically prioritize our self-care and set healthy boundaries.
Strengthen self-leadership: Accepting our longing for authenticity, we courageously speak up and remain true to ourselves.
In the short term, if these behaviors result in us not doing what others expect or want, we can be met with rejection, exclusion, and abandonment. But in the long term, many women reported that honoring their own needs, resulted in higher levels of freedom, wellbeing, and love (both of themselves and from others).
We think of it as ‘nutritious love’. It can take time to develop a taste for it, but once your body gets used to how it nourishes you, you’ll want more and more.
Like all good research on human behavior, these insights and tools are still a work in progress. Our invitation is to use what we are learning to accelerate your knowledge, inspire your practices, pull these ideas apart to find what works, and be part of an ongoing conversation that continues to share our discoveries with each other.
Together, we believe that our collective consciousness, compassion, and care may just be enough to change the world faster than anyone imagined.
[Please note: We are mindful that ‘girl’ and ‘woman’ are socially constructed ideas of gender that can fall painfully short of defining the fabulous complexity of who we each are. If these are words that resonate with part of how you have previously or currently identify yourself then we would love to hear about your lived experiences.]
As an award-winning researcher and playful change activator, I’m passionate about translating cutting-edge research into practical strategies that help the good girls of the world set themselves free to be the wiser women they are. I'm an honorary fellow at Melbourne University's Center for Wellbeing Science, the author of six best-selling books and numerous journal articles, a regular contributor to Psychology Today, a Mental Health thought leader on LinkedIn, and have published over 250 interviews with leading researchers and practitioners on the Making Positive Psychology Work podcast. With a Masters in Applied Positive Psychology and a Ph.D. in systems change, my work has been recognized and featured in media outlets around the world.
From an early age, I was groomed to be a ‘good girl’. I expected nothing less than perfection when it came to my performance. I believed it was my responsibility to protect people from disappointment, pain, and suffering. I wanted to please everyone so people would only ever say nice things about me.
By the time I was thirty-four years old, I’d collected all the promised ‘good girl’ rewards: a loving family, a big career, financial security, good friends, a house full of nice things, and a passport full of stamps. And, I barely had the energy to get out of bed. No matter how hard I tried, it was never enough. I was never enough.
I began questioning everything I’d been taught. On whose terms and for whose benefit had I been living my life? I traced my scars of childhood sexual abuse, poverty, homelessness, domestic violence, crippling self-doubt and burnout, finally witnessing how my beliefs had contributed to these heartaches.
By the time I’d untangled all the story’s threads, I was fifty years old. Now I have a head full of grey hair. My body is starting to ache and sag. I am happily divorced. My children are leaving home. I no longer care about my ‘big’ career. And, I have the freedom and confidence to live life on my own terms and for my own benefit.
How? My research taught me that striving for perfection is a fool’s errand. My experiments found that trying to protect people comes at the cost of genuine connections. My data made it clear that pleasing others is pointless when we can’t find peace within ourselves. Let me share the insights and tools to show you how.
I am a yoga teacher, somatic movement educator, and former paramedic. After four years on the frontlines of emergency care, I experienced severe burnout that sparked a journey of transformation. Transitioning into project management for startups and later contracting in operations for several companies, I thrived in building systems that nurtured wellbeing. Today, I weave my unique blend of lived experience and professional expertise to create transformative somatic spaces where people can reconnect with their bodies, reclaim their inner wisdom, and embrace being beautifully messy humans.
Ever since I was a little girl, I struggled to voice what I needed. I thought if I did, I would be considered difficult and the people I loved would walk away from me. I kept my true self hidden, all my unspoken needs sitting like a lump in my throat.
I went through the motions of university and securing a highly esteemed role as a paramedic. I worked hard. But I avoided harder.
Eventually, after a decade of suppressing my voice and striving to be perfect, I suffered burnout. I quit my job, engaged in intense therapy, and rediscovered my true self and voice through the practice of yoga. I currently live on the Bellarine Peninsula in Victoria with my partner, teaching yoga and doing this work.
My goal is to create welcoming spaces where women can embrace imperfection and find presence within themselves, on and off the mat.