Are you stuck in reactivity?

How are you showing up in your most important relationships? We all have moments where the people we love the most get the worst version of us. Why? Because when things feel hard, our protective parts often leap into action. Without conscious awareness, we trade our wisest, kindest self for a version that knows only how to guard against hurt rather than create space for understanding. We shift from connection to control. From curiosity to criticism. From asking to demanding.

"One of the powerful benefits we receive from Internal Family Systems (IFS) is choice," explained Anna Milaeva, certified transformational coach and co-founder of FINO when we interviewed her recently. “When we strengthen our Self energy, that connection to our wise and kind self - it gives us the choice to respond from more love in our relationships instead of reacting from fear and overwhelm.”

This choice isn't about controlling our emotions or suppressing what we feel. It’s about creating just enough space between a trigger and our response to access the wisdom and compassion of our Self energy. Even when our protective parts believe judgment or defensiveness will keep us safe, we can choose connection instead. And when we make that choice consistently in our huddles—those close-knit relationships we rely on—we build the space for people to show up honestly, even when it’s messy.

Here are three powerful tools to help you access more Self-energy and bring more respect, repair, and rejuvenation into your most important relationships:

• The Breath To Self: Breath can be a gentle gateway back to Self—not as a quick fix, but as a way to meet ourselves where we are. Take a moment to settle and notice your breath just as it is. Inhale and exhale softly through your nose, so quietly you can barely hear it. If it feels okay, let your exhale be just a touch longer than your inhale—no forcing, just gentle curiosity. As you breathe this way, notice what shifts in your body or mind. When you're ready, return to your natural rhythm. If tension is still present, simply acknowledge it. There's nothing to fix —only space to be with yourself.

• Lead With Love: In moments when we feel unsafe, unseen, or misunderstood in our huddles, our instinct often drives us toward protective shields: assuming the worst, biting our tongues, complaining behind backs, or pointing fingers. These behaviors emerge when we’re trying to protect ourselves from discomfort or hurt. Yet in these crucial moments, we can interrupt this pattern by pausing at the threshold of judgment and deliberately choosing curiosity: leaning in with genuine questions rather than assumptions, offering our perspective with both honesty and tenderness, and addressing concerns directly with those involved. This practice helps us shift from fear-based reactions to love-centered responses that build capacity for authentic connection one interaction at a time.

• Repair Ritual: When disconnection happens—someone says something hurtful, there’s been silence, or things simply feel off—reaching back out can feel hard. Repair becomes essential not just to fix the rupture but to allow the relationship to deepen. Start by regulating yourself with breath or a calming gesture so you can respond with care rather than reactivity. Speak for your experience, not from it—“A part of me felt hurt when that happened”—creating a buffer that invites openness rather than defensiveness. Stay curious, not certain, by asking, “What was going on for you in that moment?” Repair is less about resolving conflict and more about choosing to move forward together with care.

We took away so many aha insights and practical tools from our conversation with Anna about how we can tend to our huddles with more respect, repair, and rejuvenation—especially when things get hard.

For more of Anna’s wonderful work, visit her on Substack, or over on her website.

Remember, as Anna encourages: “Compassion is not soft or passive. It means showing up fully and passionately for the people we care about—even when it's hard.”