Can we stop playing the blame game?

Have you noticed how quickly conversations about gender turn into competitions about who has it worse? One side insists men are the real victims—look at the loneliness epidemic, the education gaps, the suicide rates. The other side counters that women are the real victims—look at the violence statistics, the unpaid labor, the centuries of having our voices silenced. Both sides race to claim the prize of victimhood.

“The real problem here isn’t who wins, who loses, who’s right, who’s wrong,” Celeste Davis — a writer and sociologist who has spent years thinking about how to dismantle patriarchy—told us when she recently joined us on the podcast. “It’s that this type of arguing is so ineffective.”

Why Pointing Fingers Keeps Us Stuck

“Humans have a very predictable response to having the finger pointed at them,” Celeste explained. “It’s to be defensive, and it’s to go to war against the person who’s pointing the finger at them.”

So the victimhood race creates a cycle: men blame women, women get defensive. Women blame men, men get defensive. Round and round we go, with nobody actually listening to each other.

And here’s what we miss while we’re locked in this fight: the system creating harm for everyone. The same societal expectations that pressure women to be ‘good girls’—performing, pleasing—also pressure men to be ‘strong boys’—dominating, denying needs, disconnecting from emotions—leaving both cut off from themselves and each other.

Breaking Free Of The Blame Game

“Suffering is not a zero sum game,” explained Celeste. “If we can move away from the blame game and communicate better across divided gender war lines, maybe we could see that we all want the same thing—we all want less pain.”

When we stop keeping score, we can start holding complexity. We can recognize that someone was harmed by the system AND that they can harm others. We can offer compassion for what was done to them AND expect accountability for what they do.

Just because we acknowledge men’s loneliness as real doesn’t mean men win and women lose. And just because we acknowledge the unfair treatment of women doesn’t mean women win and men lose.

Two things can be true. For example”

• Men are victims of patriarchy which doesn’t train them to value intimate relationship skills. And men should still be held accountable and responsible for how they treat people.

• Women are victims of patriarchy which trains them to silence themselves and prioritize others. And women should still be held accountable for how they honor their own boundaries.

This is gender compassion in action.

Holding Both Truths

The next time you find yourself in a divided gender conversation, notice what’s happening in your body first. Tension in your chest? Heat rising? That’s your cue to pause.

Then ask yourself: do I want to win, or do I want us both to hurt less?

If the answer is less pain, use one of these phrases to shift from seeing a gender to seeing a person:

• “Tell me more...” when you’re not ready to agree or disagree—you’re seeking to understand.

• “What are we missing?” when you can see two truths and want to hold space for both without forcing resolution.

• “Yes, and...” when you genuinely agree and want to build on what they’ve said.

When you hear something in what they are sharing that also rings true, even though it sits alongside a different truth you hold, try bringing both into your body. Say each truth silently and notice where they land—maybe one in your chest, one in your gut. Place a hand on each spot and breathe slowly, making room for both. You don’t have to resolve them. You just have to let them both be true.

Listen and Learn More

You can hear our full conversation with Celeste in the podcast above.

For more of Celeste’s wonderful work, check out her Substack, Matriarchal Blessings.