Are you scared to set boundaries?

When it comes to setting and honoring the healthy boundaries you need in your life, are you scared of how other people will respond? Will your family be mad? Will your friends be hurt? Will your colleagues be upset?

“Every boundary we set comes with grief,” explained Juliane Taylor Shore, a therapist, teacher, and author of Setting Boundaries That Stick: How Neurobiology Can Help You Rewire Your Brain to Feel Safe, Connected, and Empowered when we interviewed her recently. “We grieve that the boundary needs to be set because something that is not okay is happening in our relationship. Then, even when we do our best to set clear and kind boundaries with others, we may need to grieve other people’s responses.”

As a result, rather than speaking honesty and acting with integrity, you may find that you’re trying to avoid grief by:

• Not asking for what you need in your relationships, and instead letting resentment and disappointment build up.

• Not speaking up when something hurtful happens, and instead hiding your true feelings even from yourself.

• Not honoring the boundaries you’ve set, and instead leaving yourself to be emotionally manipulated.

• Not allowing people to navigate their own discomfort, and instead rescuing them from their emotional growth.

• Not encouraging people to take accountability, and instead rushing to forgive people even when they have treated you disrespectfully.

“We will do a lot to avoid grief,” Juliane explained. “But what if feeling grief is not a bad thing? What if feeling grief about the boundaries we’ve set is a measure of how much we love ourselves and others?”

Boundaries are focused on what you will do to help your brain and body feel protected and connected with others. When you set a boundary for yourself, you’re being clear about what is okay for you, what is not okay for you, and letting yourself and others know what you will do in response to those things that are not okay.

Yes, other people may feel mad, sad, or glad about the boundaries you’re setting. It is not your job to change or control their feelings because their feelings are a normal and healthy part of their learning and growth. Instead, try to listen with acceptance and discernment as you honor your boundaries and take responsibility for your own emotions and growing.

And yes, sometimes, the boundaries you set may lead to a breakdown in your relationships. While this can be heartbreaking, it can also open up the space you each need for healthier and more fulfilling relationships to come into your lives over time. Grief often gives us reasons to move forward with more clarity and purpose.

We took away so many aha insights and practical tools from our recent podcast with Jules that we’ve recorded an after-party podcast for you to dive deeper into how you can set better boundaries. Just hit play above to join us.