Is being 'good' costing you too much?

Do you remember the first time you learned you needed to be "good" to be loved? Perhaps it was a gold star for sitting quietly, or praise for putting others first, or the silent treatment when you spoke up too loudly. For Chelle, it was a little golden book that cost just 40 cents at the supermarket checkout - a book that would shape how she saw herself for decades to come.

"When I was five years old, I found a little golden book at the supermarket checkout that promised to teach me how to be good," explained Dr. Chelle McQuaid, author of the upcoming book The Perfectly Imperfect Little Girl, when we interviewed her for this podcast. "The story taught me that if I could make the 'good little girl' – who was quiet, tidy, polite, and kind – grow taller, and the 'bad little girl' – who was hungry, loud, and messy – grow smaller, then I would be happy and loved. I made my mother read this book over and over, thinking if I just heard enough about what the good little girl did, I could change myself from the bad little girl I knew I was."

This seemingly innocent childhood story became Chelle's first self-help book, setting her on a path of performing perfectly, pleasing others, and protecting everyone's feelings at the cost of her own wellbeing. It's a pattern she sees repeated in the research we conduct with women worldwide, where the pressure to be ‘good’ often leads to chronic exhaustion, disconnection from self, and a compromised ability to trust their own judgment.

"What's fascinating is that these aren't just personal choices – they're protective patterns we've developed in response to social expectations," shared Chelle. "Sometimes these beliefs were taught to protect us, other times to control us. Either way, they've shaped how we show up in the world, often at devastating cost to our wellbeing."

Through our research and her personal journey, Chelle has discovered three practical tools that can help women break free from these limiting beliefs:

• "Be a Yeti": When perfectionism kicks in, this tool creates space for authentic learning instead of self-judgment. Begin by noticing when you're caught in the cycle of trying to perform perfectly. Take a deep breath and say to yourself "I'm not there...YET." Then ask yourself: What would help me take my next learning step? Who could support me in this growth? Rather than exhausting yourself trying to get everything right, this approach transforms moments of perceived failure into opportunities for development. As Chelle discovered while hiking the Camino trail, sometimes getting lost and making mistakes leads to the most profound learning.

• Show Up For Yourself: Before rushing to please others, pause to create moments where you feel Safe, Seen, Soothed, and Secure. Start by finding a quiet space where you can check in with yourself:

  • Create Safety: Remind yourself that your feelings and needs matter

  • Feel Seen: Acknowledge what you're experiencing without rushing to fix it

  • Find Soothing: Place a hand on your heart, take several deep breaths, or find another way to calm your nervous system

  • Build Security: Ask yourself "What do I truly need right now?" and honor that answer

• Move Toward Your Parts: Instead of fighting against protective patterns like people-pleasing or staying silent, this three-step process helps you approach these parts with curiosity and compassion:

  • Notice: Where do you feel this protective part in your body? What thoughts or behaviors signal it's present?

  • Know: Listen to your part's story without judgment. When did it first need to protect you? What was it trying to help you achieve?

  • Need: Offer genuine care by asking what would help this part feel safer now. Sometimes it's reassurance, sometimes it's setting a boundary, and sometimes it's simply acknowledging its efforts to keep you safe.

"These tools aren't about becoming a different person," explained Chelle. "They're about creating space to discover who you've always been beneath these 'good girl' beliefs. It's about learning that you don't have to earn love by making yourself smaller or quieter or more agreeable. You're already worthy of love exactly as you are."